Monday, October 30, 2006

Your hair is on fire.

Howdy y'all, this is Julie Cruise Director, phoning it in from an undisclosed location. I paid the pharmacy delivery boy for his minutes, but there's always a chance that big brother has discovered his phone number or implanted a radio in his head, in which case they're triangulating on this signal now. So Julie will make it quick.

Julie Cruise Director is saddened to report the early departure of one of her favorite cruisers, but Joey was warned not to lean across the railing. Julie cannot be held liable for any personal injury or death incurred while cruising. Joey should have remembered the disclaimer he signed before he started climbing the rails like a monkey. No, Julie's nervous tick in her arm had nothing to do with the accident. Julie is under professional medical care for that problem and cannot help it if the pills hadn't quite kicked in yet.

Julie will be making a brief public appearance on All Souls' Day at her favorite church (Julie likes to think of it as the flaming spinster of Times Square). Yes, you really should join her, as you have no doubt sinned a month's worth of sin by now, and Julie is, despite murmerings to the contrary, deeply concerned for the well being of your eternal soul. No, Julie is not going to send up a prayer over dear, departed Joseph, as we all knew he was damned to begin with. Julie wastes no time on lost causes.

And to those who have been considering jumping ship during Julie's unfortunate isolation, Julie wants to know why her emails are not sufficient for you? Suddenly you think Debbie Cruise Director can lead a decent tour? You think Debbie could have found that yak's hidden birthing ground in Greece? You think Debbie can lead you to the alien artifacts in a certain French volcano? You think Debbie knows a single word of the language of the Chilean indigenous peoples? You should watch it...Julie and Debbie have a feud that goes way back to 15 minutes ago. You don't wanna make Julie mad. I mean, it IS Julie's cruise and all. Debbie came along later. And only because the psychiatrist recommended that Julie not be left alone. But he's a quack. Julie is fine. Julie takes her pills. It's Debbie who you need to watch out for. She's got a radio transmitter in her hair, Julie saw it.

Julie can say no more until you're wearing a protective helmet.

Thank you for your time and attention. Life preservers are located in the bins near the exists, and in an emergency your seat cushion may also be used as a flotation device. No, there was no time to throw one to Joey.

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