Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Candies of fun.

Julie Cruise Director here, reporting in from a pay phone which she assures you is nowhere near her secret hideaway from the Feds. Julie would never make such an amateur mistake. However, Julie has been pushed to extreme measures, as this call had to be made even before the next delivery from the pharmacy, which take place every six hours.

Julie must immediately issue a public apology. Julie sincerely regrets the recent Halloween candy mix-up. Julie assure all the parents of her hideaway neighborhood that it was an honest mistake which led the sweet Cruise Director to believe that if Commit lozenges made smokers not want a cigarette, then giving them to non-smoking little children would actually build their defenses against the evil lure of cigarettes which they are sure to face later in life. No! Julie meant no harm. Julie loves the little children, all the children of the world. Julie wants the little children to grow up to be big and strong, and to slave away at soul-killing office jobs, so they'll make enough money to occasionally splurge a little of it on a lovely holiday cruise! Julie is especially fond of the 'Salons of 9th Avenue' cruise, and healthy lungs are definitely in order, as it is sometimes necessary to hold your breath for long periods, at least until you're two blocks upwind of the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Julie had no idea all the little children would demand that their parents return them to Julie's humble hideout home, desperately seeking more lozenges. Julie absolutely wanted to assist the parents as they attempted to break up the bloody melee which erupted when the little heathens realized that there were no more luscious lozenges, and the bigger of the monkey spawn fell upon the smaller, seeking to rend their plastic pumpkins asunder, revealing the secret stashes of gleaming lozenge love hidden within. Julie cannot help that her laser-guided security perimeter was activated and the drones mistook the little brats for terrorists bearing bottles of deadly Gatorade, thus authorizing lethal force. No! Julie would never wish such a thing on future cruisers.

Julie has an alcohol problem. Julie knows it's not an excuse, but it's true. Julie was also touched inappropriately by a nun when she was in third grade. Julie can't be held responsible for these minor lapses in judgment. It could happen to anyone in her condition! What Julie needs is professional help, and believe me, Julie is getting it. In fact, the pharmacy is making an emergency delivery in 20 minutes, so Julie has got to sign off, as she must get through decon before the sweet little pharmacy boy arrives with the candies. Medication. Julie knows it's medication. Don't question Julie!

Julie loves me, this I know, for her doctor tells her so.

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